A is for Apathy : A-P-A-T-H-Y, Apathy

Little Monsters! This blog is about my darling little monsters. I mean that in the nicest way possible of course. So let me give a quick blurb on the students I work with. They have been handpicked by their teachers and the Literacy Specialist to come to me weekly for extra help with reading and writing. The difficult part is most of these kids are really behind, significantly behind their classmates (who are also behind average grade level). My students are used to disappearing, not existing, being disruptive or the class clown. Unfortunately this is nothing new to me or many of you who have spent any amount of time in the school systems. In the states they often have IEPS and receive support services or maybe even have a behavioral aide or teachers assistant to assist them throughout the week. Well I (we) don’t have that; I am the walking talking IEP as well as the person who implements it. I am the person who ensures that they receive the special attention they need to assist them in learning. Enough of that, I think you got the picture.


Things have been going so well. 90% of the time the majority of my students’ come in excited and ready to see what the hour shall bring. Maybe it is because June is here and it is the last month of school? Maybe it is because the entire country is gearing up for Vincy Mas ( Carnival) and it trickles down to the kids or maybe I have just pushed too hard. I don’t know.


My day started off so well. Woke up at 5:30A to get my exercise on, back by 7AM to journal, mediate and get my day off to a beautiful start. My morning read inspired me to “invest the energy spent in planning a better future back into the time I have TODAY. If not now, when?” YES, YES I say…today is the day! Even after getting caught in a massive downpour on the way to school which left my pants soaked and soggy I was still motivated and ready to greet my students with a smiling face and lots of energy.


About half way into the lesson finding myself exhausted from constantly redirecting and delivering verbal warning after verbal warning I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt myself getting heated. Just go back to your class I wanted to snap. They don’t even care about their own education I thought, I am up here for mere entertainment. I only have them 1 hour a day / 3 times a week. 3 hours a week! That is it! Is it too much to ask for a little reciprocity? I think not. At that point, my stream of thought was lined with pretty little curse words stifling my ability to elegantly verbalize how I felt or what I wanted from them . So I settled for, “you guys are done for the day, I can’t do this anymore. Finish up and head back to your class. We will try again tomorrow when you are more focused." *sigh*


I gave up today. I was at a loss. Why the hell am I here? What am I really doing? Have I been fooling myself this whole time to think the students were actually benefiting from the lessons I prepared? I feel like I am trying too hard. Daily the other teachers ask “are you ok? You look tired or you look stressed. Take a break.” Take a break from what?? I am used to working from 9-5 sometimes 6, 7 or 8pm if need be. I am used to dealing with the chaos of demanding clients who can’t pay their rent and face eviction, people in crisis who feel the only option is death or someone who just got fired faces losing their insurance and happens to be HIV positive. On top of that we add notes /documentation, reports, meetings, sessions, and more meetings. This is when I needed a break. What is there to take a break from? Teaching a small group of students their ABC’s and reading “Pat and Tom can run” is a piece of cake right? Not so much… I have to take a moment to give a major shout out to ALL of the educators out there who I have observed over the years pouring their hearts into their students’ day end and day out. My Mother is the perfect example of the patience, selflessness, patience, dedication and genuine care that it takes to be an effective educator. You guys have a gift, I admire you for what you do.


So back to my horrible day, I gave up today. I feel like I am trying too hard. I feel like maybe I expect or want too much from them but I know they can do better. I have seen them do better. I believe in them. I feel like I have created a safe learning environment for them , free to make mistakes, free to speak and ask questions without the fear of being humiliated on the spot or lashed with a leather whip after allowing their short attention span to get the best of them ( every time). Maybe that is it, maybe the kind of “care” I am used to and how I show it is not what they want. Maybe they have been forgotten so long in the classroom, they don’t know how to respond all the attention I give them. Maybe they are used to people giving up on them instead of pushing them to do better. Or Maybe they are just waiting for me to fulfill their expectations and give up on them like everyone else. Or maybe I just suck at teaching haha


I won’t give up, I do care. *sigh* I will start over tomorrow…from?...wherever they are, I will meet them there. How  long do continue to  you believe in someone when you don’t even know if they believe in themselves?

A love poem, for you

" I am the moon, you are the earth ( nature). I will follow you for 28 days while you travel around the sun. I will not leave your side. You are beautiful like the sky. You are violet in the morning, you are the rose in the night. You blossom all day long."

Jeremiah ( age 11) Co-leader of the Poetry club

July, make a wish...

As promised, here is the update about the program for donating books to my school. I have a separate page on my blog " Wish List" with some video clips and a list of items that the students added to the wish list.


Hands Across the Sea is a organization that donates books specifically  to schools in the Caribbean.  They work closely with Peace Corps Volunteers in effort to build sustainable librarieshttp within the schools we are attached to.


If you would like to donate to them directly please check out  the website and be sure to specify your donation is for PCV: Jessica Greathouse/ Cane End Government School.


http://www.handsacrossthesea.net/


If you have books or other materials you think may be beneficial to the school please feel free to ship them directly to me any time. ( My address is on the right side of the blog)


The wish list for Hands Across the Sea goes is due by July so it would help to have donations in before then.


Thank you in advance for taking the time to check out the Wish list!

Massive update (April)

Ok, here is my attempt to recap what has been going on over the past few weeks without writing a novel. Here goes!

Last day of Pre- Service Training: We arrived in SVG on Saturday February 5th. After 8 weeks of training we successfully completed PST.

New Apartment:
 On Saturday April 2nd I moved out of my host family’s home into an apartment below them. The apartment was being renovated since my arrival to their home so I really had NO idea what to expect. I would take a peek inside every few weeks but after seeing what I deemed as little progress I decided to quit stressing it. I am so glad I did! The apartment is perfect. The renovations turned out very well. A nice quaint space to make my own . It is nice to still be amongst "family" I will say. Although I am really enjoying my own space, coming home to a compound like environment where someone is always around makes it feel a little less foreign.

Starting work as a PCV:
The first 8 weeks of training I went to my assigned school twice a week to observe the classroom. I spent the majority of my time with Grade 6 but also got to see the various teaching styles and classroom management techniques of the whole school, Grades K- 6. On Monday the 11th of April I returned to school as a fulltime PCV. Now the fun begins!! The goal is for me to work with 3 or 4 students weekly from grades 4-6. I will be working with the students that are the farthest behind as far as reading level. Since I am working with the Literacy Coordinator, I guess that makes me a literacy specialist assistant? Interesting. The first week was a bit frustrating because I just wanted to jump in and get started. I have been sitting around the past 8 weeks just watching, I'm ready to DO. But, things didn't work out that way. So I continued to watch until the time was right for me to do. I have found that a delicate balance exist between trying to be proactive and action oriented and just being a pushy American who wants things done instantly. Obviously the later is not my intention so I find myself *woosaaah'ing* quite a bit. :)

Week two went a little better. I went in with a plan but also with the awareness that at even given moment my plan will be tossed right out the window like scraps for a stray dog. In training, we were told to have a plan, kids need structure, they need to know that you took time to prepare...right? Sometimes I reflect on my days in the training class room while sitting in the real class room and I just laugh. *chuckle*


Week three was much better than week 1-2. I keep lesson plans in my folder, but I'm always ready to make adjustments which may include tossing them out into the wind for another day. I have completed the assessments for 8 of the students I will be working with. There is something extremely special about each and every one of the students I have been given. I feel like they were lost in the shuffle somewhere. With only a few weeks of school left I tell them  all  I ask of them is to give me their BEST for the time we have together. I need your eyes, ears and attention just for an hour each day. I want to discover the place where they were lost and pick up from there, piece things back together. *sigh* And off to the clouds I go again. This work , the literacy aspect is very different from my previous experience with children. It will be challenging. Baby steps.

Secondary Project:
There is an agency that I have decided to dedicate 1 day a week to. They have a program for youth ages 16-24 that dropped out of school. Its kind of like a Job Corps type program. I was lucky to sit in on the orientation day of the new group that just started. This session will last for 6 months. Just being amongst the group made me feel this sense of passion that was much different from what I experienced at the primary school. I feel like it is a great balance for me. I LOVE the kiddos, but I also enjoy being able to talk to older kids that are at the crucial point in their lives , the cross roads where they can either continue to stray or take this opportunity to dedicate their time to improving the quality of their lives. Sometimes all it takes is someone to lend an ear, a heart or a hand...
Homesick?:
I had a moment. A moment of REALLY TRULY missing my friends and family. It was some kinda deep soulful missing, a yearning for something, someone familiar. A don't think acknowledging that I miss the amazing people I was surrounded by at home takes away from the beauty of the newness I'm experiencing now. I have met some magnificent spirits along my journey already. A few of these people have touched my life greatly in just a few months, for them I am grateful beyond words for letting me fall into them at times when I needed to lean. ..but still, sometimes you just get homesick. And that is ok :)


Holidays:
SVG ( and possibly most of the EC) LOVES some holidays!!! I feel like we have had a day off for a holiday almost every week since we have been here. We have had "spring break" in March, then off Thursday - Monday for Easter break, and now we are off for May day/ Labour day. Trust me, I am not complaining at all. I thinks it’s great to be in a place where they openly embrace taking time off from work. With all these Holidays, why would you ever need to call in "sick"?? :) Time is made of moments, not money.

Rainy Dry Season:
So this was technically supposed to be the dry season, but I heard that the weather is changing . It rains, and rains...and rains, then pours...and rains some more. I have an umbrella that is rusting and an emergency poncho ( plastic bag thin) to shield me from this weather. I toyed with the idea of bringing rainboots but thought that would be "too much". I haven't seen anyone here with rainboots but I honestly don't understand why they aren't more common. I see kids wearing timberlands in 80+ degree sunny weather, why not rainboots in torrential down poor???

A few weeks ago it rained for 4 days straight and school was canceled due to landslides. Sometimes school is canceled just because it rains for awhile. At first I thought this was comical but after trying to work with students at school while its pouring down rain outside, I GET IT. Its pointless most of the time. The classrooms are nestled in nature, the rain is pretty loud on the roof and the windows aren't sealed. Most of the kids ( and myself) have to walk to and from school in the rain as well. I guess its hard to focus on your lesson when you are concerned with skipping puddles to get home.


Silver lining: Wonderful weather to fall asleep on those  nights :)


Hurricane season is from June1st- November 31st , lets just hope it doesn't actually get worse...


Dark Skin Peace Corps:
" I've never seen a dark skinned Peace Corps, where are you from?"- Pops


I think I am going to dedicate an entire post to discussing my experience as an African American PCV serving in the Eastern Caribbean. Initially, I don't think it even crossed my mind that me being a volunteer of color would be recognized as anything other than the obvious- Shes a black volunteer from the states. Nothing special right? Wrong. As the weeks go on, I am seeing how extremely different my experience here is than some of the other volunteers. I am not the only volunteer of color serving in the EC, nor am I the first. I guess its just so uncommon that when we do appear people comment on it. Overall, as far as my ability to integrate I will say hands down it is an advantage. I have not had enough time here to conceptualize the other aspects of how this will impact my service. So many layers...The EC is part of the Diaspora but their experience is very different from that of an African American living in the states. Each island has its own residual imprints from colonialism which still lingers heavily. Ok, already I've written more than I planned...tbc






I think I have touched on the major updates at this point! Hopefully I will do better in May.







Swearing in Ceremony

Monday the 4th of April 2011 was the date my training class of St. Vincent ( EC 83) took our oath to become official Peace Corps Volunteers.  Special day!  I was selected by our class to  deliver the response on behalf of our group.

Response Speech:

"As you can see, we are quite a diverse group of Americans. I would like to take a moment to share parts of us that may not be apparent to the eye.  What are their motives? Did they choose SVG? Who are these people and where did they come from? And most importantly, why are you here?



Our interest, motivations, aspirations and dreams are far to big to capture in this short speech, but I will utilize one of our favorite PACA skills of summarising. From ensuring that Women’s rights organizations still have a voice, to exploring the possibility of enhancing Animal Welfare to increasing visibility of composting. Utilizing 20+ years of work experience on the GM assembly line to bring the highly valued skill of welding back to the technical college , to engaging youth in musical expression such as drumming. Many of us joined Peace Corps out of a desire to share parts of ourselves such as life experiences that assist in he development of life skills , technical skills, emotional wellness practices and aspects of global citizenship. The call for social responsibility has been answered. With this hope comes the desire to challenge ourselves to give the best to you, dedication to being life long learners and lastly the desire to build life long relationships and friendships with those people we meet while serving in SVG.


The common denominator that blends this group together is very similar to the 3 main goals of PC developed from JFKS declaration October 14, 1960. As we continue to participate in activities leading up to the 50th Anniversary Celebration, now more than ever we are called to remember the very reason we are here. The call to help develop while sharing parts of us but most importantly learning about the people of SVG is that thread that connects past, present and future PCVS with the wonderful people of this island. We share Mentality that we are not here to change the world, but rather we desire to make a positive and lasting impact on our communities while serving.


An artist by the name of Ani Difranco expressed : I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort where we overlap. There are many differences that exist between nations, religions, genders. the list goes on. The one thing that I am comfortable saying about this specific group of volunteers is that we truly acknowledge and appreciate the differences that lay between us. Just from the 8 weeks we have been in SVG we have experienced life, Vincy Style. The people of SVG seem to love their culture from the food, to the local dialect, the Vans, pride and historical markings of each village, oh and how can we leave out Vincy Mas. These special aspects of Vincentian culture are just the start of what we wish to embrace as PCVS.


The 50th Anniversary is especially meaningful to those of us serving in the EC because of the long lasting history built between PC and the Caribbean Islands. The last few classes of trainees have set the bar particularly high. We are grateful for the time and energy current PCVS have invested in helping us adjust to our new lives in SVG. From tips on where the most affordable places to shop are to the names of Vans to helps us travel from Windward to Leeward before we even knew what Windward and Leeward actually meant. We also thank you for helping us jump in and get involved with projects that were already in progress .


The friendliness and kindness of the people of SVG are especially prevalent in a small group of individuals who we have grown to know more intimately over the past few weeks. I want to give a sincere and heartfelt thanks to all of the host families that have opened there homes to complete strangers. It takes an equal amount of compassion and desire to give back to support such a cause as being a host family. You have helped us become functional adults, crash course in survival in just a span of weeks. A special thanks to my own host mother Ms. Lucy Rogers for always making sure my hair was dry and belly full before laying down to sleep each night and always being pleasant when I brought home my PACA assignments at the dinner table.


Thank you to our counter parts, IPPS for taking us under your wings and allowing us to probe your vast amount of knowledge weekly in order to better assess our own skill set in relation to working with your school or agency. Patience, and commitment are two words that come to mind when I think of an IPP. The commitment to the process of working with a volunteer is unique and challenging. It can often start of slow but the overall investment in hopes of developing a lasting enhancement is well worth the bumps one may encounter along the way.Ms. Rhonda Burke and Ms. Stephens have truly shown me the spirit of dedicated teachers at our school and I hope to be able to contribute just a fraction of what they have in years of work at Cane end.


To our trainers that have been with us for the past 8 weeks of PST: Junior Bachus, Haydn Marshall , Theresa Daniels and Debbie Darymple. With out you, there would be no us today. Thank you for dedicating your time, resources and vast amount of knowledge about your specific areas of expertise as well as the cultural and history of SVG. We truly appreciate your efforts and hope to continue to develop on going relationships.






Evenly and Jeffery, you two are the eyes and ears of SVG. You are the bridge from St. Lucia, to Cool to us. You effect the quality of our day in many ways, from questions about transportation, to ensuring we have water, your genuine and sincerity shine through with each interaction we have with you. Thank you for being the back bone of our headquarter.


 Mr. Cutbhert James, or better known as Mr. Cool. The legend of Mr. Cool reached us long before we met you. As we anxiously awaited our 1st face to face encounter with THE Mr. Cool upon arrival in SVG, we conjured up all kind of stories of what you would be like. I think its safe to say , the only way to truly understand you, is actually be present with you. Your hard work and dedication as a person is apparent in your professional life as well. Your values of hard work, integrity and punctuality ( we won’t start on that debate) have allowed us to enter SVG with a sense of what it means to be a successfully PCV. You practice what you preach and mean what you say. You have given us a balance of appreciation for the theoretical concepts of community development, capacity building and sustainability but more importantly you have emphasized the practical aspects of these words. Therefore, as your newest group of volunteers we are prepared to turn this words into actions. Thank you for challenging us to bring out best to not only you as our APCD, to our worksites, current PCVS, ourselves and the people of SVG who have welcomed us to their home.


Finally, to my extended family. EC 83


This is OUR PC experience, it is exactly what we make of it. When times get tough or cloudy, take a moment to reflect on the amount of time and energy invested pre-service. Or better yet, take a stroll down memory lane during your application process. Think about those long hours spent on gathering documentation, forms and completion of questionnaires, nominations, invitations, and finally your acceptance response to serve in the EC departing January 27th. When you are unsure if you made the right move, reach out one another. My hopes are that we continue to be that support system while here, utilize one another as resources for project expansion and development. I am pretty sure we have all realized at this point that the saying is actually true. This is not a job, but an experience. Cultivate and create the experience you desire along with the people that have been placed in your life. We each have separate paths carved out, from Union Island to Owia. Stop, take a moment, breathe it all in. We are 9 weeks into our PC experience, Congratulations. I am honored to cross over from PCT to PCV with such a talented, compassionate ambitious group of people. In my heart, I believe the possibilities for us are vast and infinite. The structure is being removed.


From here I extend this challenge to you: "not to turn everything into us. In truth, the deepest function of humility is that it helps us take experience in on its own terms, not violating its own nature. All in an effort to be nourished by life that is different from us. Through this effort, we find the corresponding seeds of such life in us. They are the common seeds of grace that can sustain us. "- Mark Nepo


I look forward to serving the next 2 years of my life with you, ( god willing as many Vincentians will say) or unless Cool has already persuaded you to extend to that 3rd year. I am overcome with joy to embrace this next step of our journey with each and everyone of you, Congratulations, EC 83"

Laptop(less)

So it has been forever and a day since I have been able to update my blog. Most of you guys know by now that my computer took a vacation from life a few weeks ago. It's funny because a dear friend of mine was giving me a hard time about the amount of time I was spending on Facebook just before it went down. I agreed that it seemed as though my FB time had significantly increased since I left home, my profile wasn't even active before I left! *sigh* I attribute part of this increase to missing my friends and family and finding FB as an easy way to stay connected to my life back home and the other part of the increase came from not having TV or cable. Makes sense right?

 Initially, when my computer went down I felt a little bit of panic. What will I do with my free time?? How will I keep in touch with my family and friends?? How will I know what’s going on in the world? How will I get ready every morning without music??!!? But gradually, day by day these major issues became less and less of a problem but more so an opportunity to create alternative methods of existing. I'm not going to go all Thoreau- Walden on you (I am enjoying the book though lol), but I must say coming home to an empty apartment with nothing but myself, books, letters, paper, pens to occupy my time has been just the boost I needed to take let go of the safety net and fully allow myself to plunge into this experience.

 My nightly routine consist of making dinner ( YES, you read correctly- I have been cooking), preparing my lessons for school, reading and writing. It has been quite relaxing and just the shift that I needed to find that balance I yearned for.



The past few weeks have reminded me of the beauty that exist within simplicity. I know I have said this many times before, but it's so easy to stray away from this truth and get caught up and a million other things that tug at your attention, appeal to various desires throughout a typical day. When we release the death grip we have on the steering wheel, life is able to unfold with ease. By simply living a life of love and being present in each moment that I am blessed to experience the details work themselves out.



Although staying connected my family and friends may not be as convenient as before, there is still a way to make it happen. And I have found a new type of music to start my day to each morning :)

Thank you dear friend for using your super hero magic goddess powers to crash my computer from over 1,000 miles away, you rock.

Sidenote: I am enjoying the time away from the net, however I am in no way saying I am denouncing modern technology! I AM indeed in the process of trying to get it back up and running :)

Life outside of a dayplanner - week 7 of PST

Today, something simple yet beautiful occurred. The past few weeks in the schools have been infiltrated by ongoing sports days. I still don't understand it 100% but its kind of like field day every day for 2 weeks then all the top teams and competitors from areas around the island get together for one big sports day to compete. Again, I have yet to figure it out fully so I will update you as I learn more.

So you may be wondering why an ex-athlete ( yes I have come to terms that I am no longer in any type of shape to call myself  an athlete AND I think my balance is getting even worse) ok, back to what I was saying you may wonder why I would have a problem with the schools here dedicating so much of their time to sports. Of course I think  benefits exist , being part of a team teaches various life skills and obviously leading an active lifestyle as a child most likely increases your chance of continuing to lead a healthy life as an adult.This is all fine and dandy but I have 2 weeks left in training. This means I have to develop  a SLP( Service Learning Project)  to be assessed  by one of my trainers. The SLP is a major part of PST for Youth Developers ( Me) , lets just say its my final exam.

When you have kids that are focused on sports sports sports and aching to get through the day to exit the class room its difficult to introduce a new idea to them that doesn't include fun and games. Oh and I forgot to mention they are going on a  2 week break next week!  Needless to say, not only has it been difficult to introduce my project idea to the students but the teachers also seem a bit scattered during this time.

After 2-3 attempts to get the ball rolling and scheduling constraints from my assessor I finally decided to just LET GO.  Today I entered the school knowing the entire day would be dedicated to sports competitions. I had 2 tentative dates that my assessor has available to come out to my site to see my project. And the bottom line was I had no idea how it was all going to come together. No details pinned down, no idea which kids would participate, no time, no agenda.... no real plan other than my nice little outline of how it is supposed to look.I simply walked in the school an allowed the day to unfold as is.  Knowing that whatever was going to happen next week would occur with or without any additional stress from my end. ..but then...it happened!

Agnes, one of my grade 6 students came to life. I don't know where it came from but she was my little starlight today. It warmed my heart and reminded me of the beauty that will occur when we step back and allow life to happen.  Agnes not only began to question me about this Poetry club I mentioned but she took initiative on how WE were going to make it happen by break next week. One thing led to another and by the end of the day I had a list of 15 dedicated participants, a leader, co lead and 15 hand written letters to be given as reminders for next weeks meeting. GO Agnes!

The ability to just be without constantly pushing for more or finding a way to organize what appears to be chaos was granted to me today. I hope to get more practice with this concept .

Highlight of the week: Count down to move out day ( less than 1 month)! I will miss my nightly home cooked meals but I am ready to have my own space again.