Little Monsters! This blog is about my darling little monsters. I mean that in the nicest way possible of course. So let me give a quick blurb on the students I work with. They have been handpicked by their teachers and the Literacy Specialist to come to me weekly for extra help with reading and writing. The difficult part is most of these kids are really behind, significantly behind their classmates (who are also behind average grade level). My students are used to disappearing, not existing, being disruptive or the class clown. Unfortunately this is nothing new to me or many of you who have spent any amount of time in the school systems. In the states they often have IEPS and receive support services or maybe even have a behavioral aide or teachers assistant to assist them throughout the week. Well I (we) don’t have that; I am the walking talking IEP as well as the person who implements it. I am the person who ensures that they receive the special attention they need to assist them in learning. Enough of that, I think you got the picture.
Things have been going so well. 90% of the time the majority of my students’ come in excited and ready to see what the hour shall bring. Maybe it is because June is here and it is the last month of school? Maybe it is because the entire country is gearing up for Vincy Mas ( Carnival) and it trickles down to the kids or maybe I have just pushed too hard. I don’t know.
My day started off so well. Woke up at 5:30A to get my exercise on, back by 7AM to journal, mediate and get my day off to a beautiful start. My morning read inspired me to “invest the energy spent in planning a better future back into the time I have TODAY. If not now, when?” YES, YES I say…today is the day! Even after getting caught in a massive downpour on the way to school which left my pants soaked and soggy I was still motivated and ready to greet my students with a smiling face and lots of energy.
About half way into the lesson finding myself exhausted from constantly redirecting and delivering verbal warning after verbal warning I was ready to throw in the towel. I felt myself getting heated. Just go back to your class I wanted to snap. They don’t even care about their own education I thought, I am up here for mere entertainment. I only have them 1 hour a day / 3 times a week. 3 hours a week! That is it! Is it too much to ask for a little reciprocity? I think not. At that point, my stream of thought was lined with pretty little curse words stifling my ability to elegantly verbalize how I felt or what I wanted from them . So I settled for, “you guys are done for the day, I can’t do this anymore. Finish up and head back to your class. We will try again tomorrow when you are more focused." *sigh*
I gave up today. I was at a loss. Why the hell am I here? What am I really doing? Have I been fooling myself this whole time to think the students were actually benefiting from the lessons I prepared? I feel like I am trying too hard. Daily the other teachers ask “are you ok? You look tired or you look stressed. Take a break.” Take a break from what?? I am used to working from 9-5 sometimes 6, 7 or 8pm if need be. I am used to dealing with the chaos of demanding clients who can’t pay their rent and face eviction, people in crisis who feel the only option is death or someone who just got fired faces losing their insurance and happens to be HIV positive. On top of that we add notes /documentation, reports, meetings, sessions, and more meetings. This is when I needed a break. What is there to take a break from? Teaching a small group of students their ABC’s and reading “Pat and Tom can run” is a piece of cake right? Not so much… I have to take a moment to give a major shout out to ALL of the educators out there who I have observed over the years pouring their hearts into their students’ day end and day out. My Mother is the perfect example of the patience, selflessness, patience, dedication and genuine care that it takes to be an effective educator. You guys have a gift, I admire you for what you do.
So back to my horrible day, I gave up today. I feel like I am trying too hard. I feel like maybe I expect or want too much from them but I know they can do better. I have seen them do better. I believe in them. I feel like I have created a safe learning environment for them , free to make mistakes, free to speak and ask questions without the fear of being humiliated on the spot or lashed with a leather whip after allowing their short attention span to get the best of them ( every time). Maybe that is it, maybe the kind of “care” I am used to and how I show it is not what they want. Maybe they have been forgotten so long in the classroom, they don’t know how to respond all the attention I give them. Maybe they are used to people giving up on them instead of pushing them to do better. Or Maybe they are just waiting for me to fulfill their expectations and give up on them like everyone else. Or maybe I just suck at teaching haha
I won’t give up, I do care. *sigh* I will start over tomorrow…from?...wherever they are, I will meet them there. How long do continue to you believe in someone when you don’t even know if they believe in themselves?
Jessica
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this...thanks for the realistic picture of what it is a like to work with "todays youth" lol. I def understand that its frustrating but I think you are the perfect person for it. You are teaching them how to read and write but you are also learning the lost art of discipline, and ingenuity. Sometimes we have to find creative solutions to navigate this thing called life and sometimes you give it your best and life laughs in your face and give you a blank stare.
To your question, I say...you believe in them forever...how long you stay active is a matter of personal preference. Sometimes the silent expecation of someone you respect is enough to motivate you. I also think that sooo much comes with age, there is a new appreciation for life with each day that passes. As much as we want to, we can't expect kids to understand how much this moment in thier lives means RIGHT now...chances are they will be just as reckless and careless and we all were at that age. Just do the best you can. They see you and they appreciate you, even if they don't have the language to articulate it.
Sooo proud of you by the way.
Great blog, I can relate to everything you said. My mother's been a teacher for over 20 years. I can give you an example from my time here that might make you feel better. I had pretty much the same setup at my school, I took a group of kids from each class for about 45 minutes a day and I would try my best to teach them and hopefully get through. I had countless days just like the one you described and at the end of last year I thought I had waisted an entire year. One day over the summer my principle stopped me in passing to tell me about two of my students who had passed their common entrance exam. These where 6th grade students who started with me barely being able to read and I never thought they would learn enough to pass the common entrance. So I guess I am writing to tell you that during your time here you may not actually see any changes and the difference you may make may be as small as helping one or two kids pass a test. Just your presence showing these kids that you care will also help. But in the end you just have to go at your own pace and trust that you have made the right choice in coming here.
ReplyDeleteKenya, thanks so much for the feedback . You are right, I need to just keep believing them just because I do not so much because of the desired outcome. Thanks for the words of encouragement!
ReplyDeleteToussaint, the story you shared actually helps a lot. Puts things into perspective. I think I was focusing too much on the details getting caught up in the day to day routine. When I step back and think of the bigger picture, I am happy to give my best each day and keep the faith that I did indeed make the right choice to come here. Thanks buddy :) Oh and Congrats!!
i read this and smile a little as I do with each of your entries...not only are you adding to the lives of today's youth (no matter how frustrating it feels) you are adding to your own life in ways that you may have never experienced here in the states. All those long nights of work here in the states prepared you for rough times in Vincy. The length of the day is not the sole cause of a long day. SOmetimes, it's the amount of stress and frustration within that day. Either way, you are EXACTLY where you are meant and need to be. There is a life (or lives) that you were sent there to touch....not to mention the life/lives that are meant to touch you. Life is a give and take just as learning is. What you put in you get in return. Remember that...this isn't just about them but also about you. Even if you leave there seeing the results of your time in only 1 student, know that you touched each of them. When seeds are sown they grow in THEIR TIME, not in ours.
ReplyDeleteThanks Danyel! You are right about sooo many things. Those long nights were indeed part of the bigger picture. And long isn't defined by how many hours you put into the day for sure! I finally feel like I am truly, right where I need to be :)
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