yep , that about sums it up.
Last week I was having a moment of “outsiderness”. I felt that I had to be doing something wrong because after 6 months, I still have days where I feel like even more of an outsider than when I first came. I was in my head all week. Part of Integration is networking. I’ve never been the best at networking; it just feels so forced and calculated from my experience. But integration as a whole, the blending in with a new community is a bit different, that seems more genuine and natural to me- so I thought.
The tricky part of having a set time frame in which you are expected to be integrated into your community is finding the balance of what feels natural to you and what has been “proven” to be successful. Spelled out black & white in books, manuals and handouts- successful integration seems like a pretty attainable goal. It’s a little different once you live it. I find myself questioning habits, patterns, preferences, values, morals- pretty much all that I have known myself to be. (Losing yourself (identity) to find yourself ( core ) right?)
Do I compromise and scale back on being opinionated at work or do I use it as a moment to reveal I actually do have thoughts independent of the previous volunteer? Do I walk home because I like the exercise or do I accept a ride offered to me so that next time I WANT a ride you won’t pass me by? Do I give the Van driver my number after he studies my every curve so I can have another way to get home after 6pm or say no out of protest for being looked at like a 6pc chicken dinner with fries on the side?
Self talk-(Patience. Simplicity. Compassion.)
Also, the monotony of casual small talk is beginning to take a toll on me. Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening. Hi, how are you? You Good? Good Good. Fine, yes? Great. Ok, buh bye. Rain ah come again?, more rain? The monotony of being monotonous is enough to drive one mad. ( Yes, at times I am the crazy lady who walks around talking to herself - well I just mouth thoughts, no sounds come out usually)
RAMBLE: R-A-M-B-L-E, RAM-BUH'L
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